Wednesday, December 19, 2007
BONUS: Kirk Herbstreit Reports...Jamie Lynn's baby's daddy
Kirk Herbstreit dropped in with a special report for us on this aptly-named hump day. Usually, his weekly factual, accurate and breaking news reports appear on Thursdays at Construda, but Herbstreit had some juicy information we just can't hold off.
The former Ohio State QB and current ESPN college football analyst was able to give us five names of men who are possibly the father of Jamie Lynn Spears' baby. And, if you don't know, Jamie Lynn is the 16-year-old sister of Hollywood whore Britney Spears, who has mothered two kids of a fucking loser.
"I've been told by a source there are five possible fathers to Jamie Lynn's baby," Herbstreit told Construda. "Now, this is an accurate source and I stand by it."
Herbstreit named Calvin Murphy, Evander Holyfield, Travis Henry, Shawn Kemp and LSU coach Les Miles as possible fathers.
"My source tells me 'barring something extraordinary,' these men are the potential fathers of that soon-to-be bastard of a child," Herby said.
Construda unearthed the fatherly pasts of Herbstreit's five and will now offer some analysis:
Calvin Murphy: The NBA Hall of Famer put up big numbers on and off the court. He's got 14 kids by nine women and may be on his way to an unprecedented double-double of 15 and 10.
Evander Holyfield: As 100% Injury Rate says, Holyfield probably has more kids than brain cells. The former boxing heavyweight champion has fathered nine kids with six women.
Travis Henry: The newest addition to The List. King Henry XIV has nine kids with nine women and is at ease with his gaudy fatherhood statistics. "Only God can judge me," he told The Denver Post in late August. We're big judges here, too, at Construda given that some people are too simple of targets.
Shawn Kemp: This corpulent NBA player was nicknamed "The Rainman" for his thunderous dunks. We think it was because the guy never wore a condom. The father of seven kids by six women, Kemp's chances at fathering the next Hollywood crackwhore who'll be flashing her vag by 2028 are a 'slam dunk.'
Les Miles: You may think it's a longshot, but we don't, especially since Herby is such an accurate reporter of news and information gathering. "Miles has eight kids with five women," Herby told us. "He's always looking to bone some of that hot SEC poon and is mostly shot down because he approaches girls wearing those hideous blazers. So he directs that rejection and horniness to LSU faculty, and now it seems young Jamie Lynn. It's really a simple notion. My source tells me this." Remember, the Spears family is from southern Louisianna. Coincidence? We think not.